One of the things I’m often called in to do is “relationship optimisation”; in other words, helping two people who aren’t getting on get their relationship back on track and work together better.

When I sit down with each person to understand the problem from their perspective, I invariably find one or more of the following are at play:

1.      The two people have very different values from each other, so they see the world quite differently. (For example, “They are such a blockage, they think crossing the road is a risk!”)

2.      The two people have very clear expectations of each other, but they’ve never communicated these or got agreement to them. (For example, “They shouldn’t have questioned me in front of the team; that’s just common sense!”)

3.      The two people have added to the problem by creating their own narrative about the other person’s character and intentions based on scant data. (For example, “They’re an arrogant @##%^&* who always wants to shut me down; I know this because they interrupt me in meetings!”)

I’ve heard of occasions where people have been told that they should just thrash it out and get things off their chest, but I really can’t see how this is helpful. If anything, this approach just aggravates the situation and creates further issues.

My preference is to help people create a new understanding of how they will work together. In other words, I help each person define and communicate what they need from the other to have a good relationship, and what they’d be willing to do differently for the other’s benefit. It’s constructive, forward-looking, actionable, and easy to follow up on.

Ultimately, however, it only works if I can help both people make a shift in their behaviour. Sometimes this involves developing more skills. More often, a change in mindset. And generally, the latter is only achieved if each person can at least entertain the possibility that their negative assumptions about the other’s intention or character may be wrong.

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